


Musings of a Madman

by Duckydash13



Category: Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)
Genre: But only a year or so, Memory Loss, Nathan doesn't know what he is doing, Nathan is slightly mad, Overprotective Parent, POV First Person, Pre-Movie(s), Talking To Dead People
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 13:03:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8015092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duckydash13/pseuds/Duckydash13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nathan speaks/thinks/writes to his dead wife. Is he going mad? And what was that deal he made with Rotti nearly 16 years ago? If only he knew...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Musings of a Madman

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfiction I have posted, and the first I have written for this fandom. Feedback would be greatly appreciated. I should also take this opportunity to say that I do not own Nathan (or any of the other characters), I am just exploring his mind for a while.

I thought I had won. When you and I were married and everything was perfect, I had won. I didn't need a business empire or more money than I knew what to do with. I had you. You were all I needed. And we were going to have a child. Nothing could have made me happier.

But then everything went wrong. I did everything I could. I am sure of it. But it wasn't enough. I am meant to be a doctor. I knew how medicine worked. I should have been able to fix things. I should have been able to save you. I was certain I had found the cure; everything was going to be fine. But it wasn't. It was my fault.

It was my fault.

I had to save her. But now you're dead and I can't- I can't do this any more. I have said that every day for almost 16 years. How do I carry on? Is it worth carrying on? Life without you is too painful. I have a daughter, but at a cost. Was it worth it?

Shilo is perfect, but she is ill. She has been since birth. I can't lose her too. I can't be left alone. If I lost you both, I would die. So I do what I have to.

How can I do this? I'm- I'm a monster. I don't remember exactly what happened, but it was bad. And it keeps happening. Over and over, every night. I was- I am a monster. And I didn't care. I think- I think I'm losing what is left of my sanity.

I didn't even care.

There was nothing I could do as they died in front of me, the most horrific deaths, and it didn't matter to me. I'm supposed to care. I'm supposed to be a doctor. I am meant to help people. I don't know what is happening to me, but I think it is something to do with Rotti. Whenever I hear from him, things change. I don't think properly when he's there. There is only rage, a blinding rage, and the remnants of a need to protect you and our daughter. I can't believe I made a deal with him. But they were going to kill me, and that would have killed Shilo.

If it weren't Shilo, I'd have died years ago. But she needs me. I can't let her down, so I keeps living. I have to look after her. I couldn't bear it if anything happened to her. So I have to play Rotti's awful game. I don't know what the rules are, or what the game entails, but he's in control now and there is nothing I can do about it. I would give almost anything to stop this. But there is nothing that will stop him. Stronger men that me have taken on Rotti, but he has an army, and the law is on his side. It's like a nightmare. I wish it were just a nightmare.

I don't know what to think anymore. I can't stop hearing your voice in my head, but you're long gone. Nearly 16 years gone. And Shilo reminds me so much of you, these days. I so rarely leave the house during the day. I don't like to leave Shilo alone, and it's not safe for her to go outside. I have to keep her safe.

I can't lose her like I lost you.

**Author's Note:**

> I may write a sequel in a similar style with Nathan's thoughts when he is being Repo Man, if anyone is interested.


End file.
